A present of presence.

I just posted this on Facebook:

Who's having a BABY!?!?! I have LOTS of baby stuff I'm ready to part with. We have ALL the basics: Dr. Brown bottles, double strollers, bumbo, activity mat, exersaucers (2), a jumperoo, TOYS, a few itty bitty girl clothes and an INSANE amount of baby boy clothes size NB-12 month. I thought I'd go to my friends before Craig's List and the psycho swap pages...


And if I tried to pretend that this isn't an incredibly emotional step for me, I would be lying.  I want to run and cry and scream and maybe kick and throw a tantrum.  I am certainly shaking.  And I'm not sure if I feel this way because it feels like I'm giving up on a dream or because all this has happened to begin with.  I just don't know.


What I do know is that the last year has been THE.  HARDEST.  YEAR.  OF.  MY.  LIFE.  Everything that identified me dissipated.  EVERYTHING.  Nothing was what I thought it would be.  NOTHING.  The loneliness that I experienced at times was beyond description.  When I felt supported, it was not coming from the direction I thought it would.  I think I felt the extreme of every emotion imaginable, but the anger and resentment and confusion stand out the most.


It. sucked.


A truth that I've arrived at over the journey of the last year is that our life does not suck, what we've experienced has.  We have a great life!  And we did our very best to make lemonade with the lemons we were handed.  And being thirtysomething and childless is not the end of the world.  In fact, it's quite enjoyable!  And we're not giving up on having a Forever Mini Mezger.  We love the idea of growing our family!  But I MUST stop mourning the past and quit incessantly focusing on a future pregnancy/adoption/whatever.  And letting go of those baby items might be the best way to help myself achieve this.  Because the only reality we truly know is today.  And being present in it is the best present I can give myself.


xo