3.11.1, Part 1

The kids left to return to their longer term placement a few hours ago.  I have concluded that it is debilitatingly saddening when the children leave regardless of how long they've stayed; regardless of the reason they came.  They weren't even out of the drive-way and I was in the shaky-tears state.  Doug quickly swept me out of the house for a drive and a stop at El Jimador.  He knew I couldn't take the stillness in the house.  He's awesome like that.

There are so many thoughts running through my head, I'm not exactly sure where to begin to expel them.  So, let me start with this:

CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!  

CAN YOU IMAGINE being PULLED, TORN, SEVERED from the ONLY way of life you have EVER known, the life with which you have become comfortable, to be dropped in a brand new place with brand new faces and brand new expectations to be told by the person that TOOK you from all you knew, "It's okay, trust these strangers,"???

CAN YOU EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE?!?!  

AND THEN to relive that conversation not once, not twice, a total of THREE times.  THREE new places with new faces and new rules - in LESS than a MONTH.  And you are FOUR years old, or THREE years old, or TWO years old.

CAN YOU?

I cannot.

I tried.  I spent eleven days doing something that I wasn't sure I would survive.  Three kids.  At home.  All of the time.  With me.

No work to dissipate the drama.  No daycare breaks to squeeze in a trip to the store or a nap or a walk.

Eleven days.  Three kids.  And me.

We are right at the six year mark of Doug and I "trying" to grow our family.  Six years ago I would've said that there was nothing I wished for more than to be able to stay home with my children full time.  And then as we welcomed kids into our home and I had the (non-negotiable) role of "Working Mom," I found I enjoyed it.  Not only was I raised by a (hard) working mom, I was surrounded by fellow working moms that supported and comforted me when the balance seemed off.  I had great examples from which to take guidance and nurture my own transition into this role.  I discovered I liked the fast-paced scurry of the morning routine, the multi-tasking, and the reflections at the end of the day.  I enjoyed having my independence (and adult conversations) and watching the kids embrace theirs (and kid conversations).  We were individuals that went our separate ways by day and returned under the same roof in the evening to remember what unconditional love and support and respect felt like and that God had brought us all together for a time and a purpose that may or may not be identifiable.

I had changed my mind: Marsha Mezger is the Working Mother type.

But I just spent ELEVEN days as the NON-Working Mother type.  And it was quite the trip.  Here's what we did...

to be continued